The millennial generation is labeled as lazy and entitled. We forego the American dream of marriage, two-story home with garage, and well paying nine to five jobs, to still live with our parents and pursue alternative career options.

I believe the generation that raised us, mostly baby boomers, taught us a solid work ethic and instilled core values into our fabric of being. The truth is we are not lazy or entitled; we are just different.  We were raised with the American values of hard work and perseverance, but the world has become less stable and full scale revolutions in the workplace from technology to manufacturing have taken place.

The financial crisis of 2008 left my generation with PTSD and a host of trust issues. The first wave of millennials were graduating college and prepping to enter the work force just as the economic infrastructure of the United States was failing. The housing market, which could be relied upon with the same certainty that the sun sets in the west, collapsed.

The waves of millennials graduating from college after the recession find that jobs paying a wage that justify the tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt are scarce. Slave labor has been repackaged as “unpaid internships”, promising to give college graduates who don’t know better a foot in the door. For entry level jobs, and jobs requiring a few years of experience, wages have remained stagnant; while rent and cost of living increases are swift.

The combining economic factors of cheap foreign labor and automation has shrunk the availability of work for millennials who decided not to go to college. This disproportionately affects millennial males. Women outnumber men in college enrollments, in 2012 by 10% with 71% of women enrolled in college compared to 61% of males.

Manufacturing, construction, and transportation were once reliable industries that non-college educated men could make a good living in. Humans have almost entirely been removed from manufacturing products, and automation is set to do the same in construction and transportation.

We were nurtured to play by rules that governed a different era, and nature has turned all of those ideas on their head. Staying true to biology, we have adapted as a generation – by becoming mobile, less committed, and more entrepreneurial than previous generations.

According to a new survey 43% of millennials moved away from their hometown and 44% said they moved to a more densely populated city than where they grew up. The most common response for moving was jobs, concentrated in big cities where tech industries have blossomed. Nearly half the respondents said they were likely to move in the next year.

As a generation of transients, commitment to a geographic area or city is not an ideal that has been successfully passed down. Millennials have a lower rate of home ownership than other generations did at the same age. The shift in our economy away from manufacturing towards technology has created a pivot in the geographic locale of labor demand; cities like Detroit and others of the rust belt have been traded for tech boomers like San Francisco and Atlanta.

Seventeen years into the twenty first century and it feels like we are closer to a world of the Jetsons than we are to the pre-internet era. The millennial generation is the great guinea pig of history bridging the gap between two periods of time that are as different as the dark ages and the renaissance, and will be studied by future historians as so. We struggle to stay true to the ideals of our forefathers while living in a world our forefathers couldn’t have imagined.

Pressed For Answers

I saw a news report earlier this week that almost compelled me to send my remote sailing through my television screen – not because of another falsity coming out of the white house – but because of how naïve the reporter claimed the press to be.

She said “and the reporters at these press conferences sit there with a puzzled look on their face trying to decipher whether what Spicer saying was true or false.” I was so puzzled by that statement I didn’t know whether to laugh in heartbroken cynicism or yell in confused anger.

The content of their discussion is irrelevant but I knew what Spicer said was false. I figured that out from my living room. Why can’t a room full of reporters put their heads together and come to that conclusion. Better yet, why are they not printing headlines that literally say “Trump lies again.”? I’m a big boy; I can handle that kind of the truth.

Trumps agenda of chaos is not accidental nor is it a result of his gross incompetence (they are two separate issues). What his administration is doing is cold and calculated. The technique of creating lies so grandiose that no one could believe someone would lie on such a large scale is straight out of Mein Kampf and the chaos by design agenda is an authoritarian technique that has been played out by dictators of every fare and flavor throughout history. All of this comes from the mind of Trump’s chief strategist, Steve Bannon.

Bannon said in an interview that he is a Leninist and that his goal is “to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of todays establishment.”

The destruction of America will not come from a foreign source, it will begin within the minds of Americans and if someone can destroy the press they win that battle.

But outright dismantling the press is ridiculous and would be as telegraphed as a quarterback staring down his target ten yards before throwing the pass.

Instead they take a more subtle approach and create so much chaos that the press wears out the public by following these absurdities down rabbit holes.

Here is a simple solution: tell it straight up and simple and call these stories for what they are: lies and propaganda. Print those words on the front page of every major and minor newspaper.

The press is like the pretty boy fighter that comes into the ring with perfect hair, a perfect tan, and a perfectly straight nose, fighting the brawler who likes to tie up and head butt his opponent or throw a low blow when the ref has his back turned.

The Trump administration has openly declared war on the press. Forget the gloves and ring, this fight is out in the parking lot, and as a citizen of this country it would be nice to see my press get some dirt on their uniform and start playing by the rules the Trump administration has declared.

“Falsehoods” are lies. Use language that is plain and direct, that every American can understand. Falsehood is a terrible word that is so soft it might wilt off of the page.

Russia didn’t just “influence” the election; they hijacked our democratic process. Even worse, Americans may have been colluding with Russia to win Trump the election, which is treason, a crime punishable by death in the United States.

Our constitution and democracy has been under attack for decades from the systematic dismantling of our rights through legislation, the militarization of the police force, and the censorship of thoughts and ideas behind the wall of political correctness; but the current state of affairs has us drifting out so far it might be difficult to find the shore again.

The responsibility to guide us back on course falls on the press and their ability to relentlessly dig up and disseminate the unfiltered truth to Americans as the truth continuously vanishes behind a thick fog of corruption and deceit.

Nature v. Nurture and the Millennial Generation

The millennial generation is labeled as lazy and entitled. We forego the American dream of marriage, two-story home with garage, and well paying nine to five jobs, to still live with our parents and pursue alternative career options.

I believe the generation that raised us, mostly baby boomers, taught us a solid work ethic and instilled core values into our fabric of being. The truth is we are not lazy or entitled; we are just different. The classic debate of nature vs. nurture undertones our generational experience as we were raised with the American values of hard work and perseverance, but the world has become less stable and full scale revolutions in the workplace from technology to manufacturing have taken place.

The financial crisis of 2008 left my generation with PTSD and a host of trust issues. The first wave of millennials were graduating college and prepping to enter the work force just as the economic infrastructure of the United States was failing. The housing market, which could be relied upon with the same certainty that the sun sets in the west, collapsed.

The waves of millennials graduating from college after the recession find that jobs paying a wage that justify the tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt are scarce. Slave labor has been repackaged as “unpaid internships”, promising to give college graduates who don’t know better a foot in the door. For entry level jobs, and jobs requiring a few years of experience, wages have remained stagnant; while rent and cost of living increases are swift.

The combining economic factors of cheap foreign labor and automation has shrunk the availability of work for millennials who decided not to go to college. This disproportionately affects millennial males. Women outnumber men in college enrollments, in 2012 by 10% with 71% of women enrolled in college compared to 61% of males.

Manufacturing, construction, and transportation were once reliable industries that non-college educated men could make a good living in. Humans have almost entirely been removed from manufacturing products, and automation is set to do the same in construction and transportation.

We were nurtured to play by rules that governed a different era, and nature has turned all of those ideas on their head. Staying true to biology, we have adapted as a generation – by becoming mobile, less committed, and more entrepreneurial than previous generations.

According to a new survey 43% of millennials moved away from their hometown and 44% said they moved to a more densely populated city than where they grew up. The most common response for moving was jobs, concentrated in big cities where tech industries have blossomed. Nearly half the respondents said they were likely to move in the next year.

As a generation of transients, commitment to a geographic area or city is not an ideal that has been successfully passed down. Millennials have a lower rate of home ownership than other generations did at the same age. The shift in our economy away from manufacturing towards technology has created a pivot in the geographic locale of labor demand; cities like Detroit and others of the rust belt have been traded for tech boomers like San Francisco and Atlanta.

Seventeen years into the twenty first century and it feels like we are closer to a world of the Jetsons than we are to the pre-internet era. The millennial generation is the great guinea pig of history bridging the gap between two periods of time that are as different as the dark ages and the renaissance, and will be studied by future historians as so. We struggle to stay true to the ideals of our forefathers while living in a world our forefathers couldn’t have imagined.

Staying True To Who We Are In The Reality TV and Social Media Age.

Americans live in the wealthiest country in the world with the most opportunities at our fingertips, yet we are still unhappy. The 2016 World Happiness Index rated the U.S. the 13th happiest country. Out of the 12 that ranked higher, only Norway had a higher GDP per capita.

Unhappiness is a virus rapidly permeating every aspect of our lives. The television and the internet are the hosts for this type of virus. Turn on the news at any hour of the day and it is a relentless drip campaign of negativity, one fatal car crash after political scandal.

Our social media accounts are wonderful tools for observing others who are having more fun, making more money, and doing much better than we are. Instagram and Facebook are the highlight reels of everyone’s life. Everybody is posting their eighty-yard touchdowns and buzzer beating shots, never their fumbles on the goal line or game losing turnovers.

A study from 2016 surveyed 1,787 adults ages 19 to 32 and found that those who used social media the most were at the highest risk of being depressed.

The constant need to keep up appearances can be suffocating in today’s reality TV era of society, and losing the sense of who we are in the rat race is effortless.

This past weekend I got together with two friends I haven’t seen in a while. We convened at what others have raved as one of the hotspots in town, and walked through tables lined with pretty people all seeking something different yet specific, out to the patio, which held what we really desired – a wonderful view of Los Angeles. Smoke and laughter drifted by our table, and as we reminisced about past memories, our roaring laughs became a full-bodied contribution to the scene.

Stories of past events that are forever set in stone in our own personal history books were exchanged with more warmth and spirit than the obligatory chore of keeping up with our current situations.

Intermissions of these episodes were marked by a silence that would settle the mood, broken by one of us commenting on the surrealism of the whole setting. Acknowledgement of that comment didn’t have to be spoken; it was intuitive between the three of us. We knew where we had come from.

We all had our own struggles; I was out of college about a year and was using my degree to stock shelves at a Tilly’s. The job was seasonal and I was soon unemployed, there was little stability or certainty in any area of my life. Through perseverance, faith, and most of all the guidance of others, I found my way into writing, which is my passion.

But everyday I remember the emotions I felt when life was uncertain and somewhat grim. That is my truth, as much a part of who I am as my name and telephone number.

My greatest fear today is not losing what I have, but forgetting where I came from. When I remember those dark days of solitude, I have gratitude for everything in my life. If I forget, I could have all that I dream of, and not be able to enjoy any of it.

I am guilty of losing my way and deviating from my moral compass. I created a character I thought I was supposed to be in the world, and played that role until I had a moment of clarity where I realized how unfulfilling it was.

I looked at who I was, both good and bad attributes, and from that I saw an honest picture of who I was. If I want to be comfortable and truly happy I need to face both, and be willing to work on the latter.

The effects are immediate; it is amazing how many of our problems are solved just by simply identifying them. The more difficult aspects of ourselves take time to work on, but at least we have gained an awareness of them.

A big part of finding my truth and being aware of it was sitting in silence with myself, which is something I try to do on a daily basis. I completely disconnect from the world for a small amount of time each day, sometimes as little as ten minutes. I turn all the electronics off, leave my phone in the other room and sit in silence with myself. It was a strange experience at first, but it is one of the most significant practices I’ve come to rely on.

We can’t be anyone but ourselves, despite what society tells us who or what we ought to be.

My Debut Book Released!

My first book titled “Thoughts” has been published and released by Libero Media!  It is a book of short stories and life that commentate on the human condition and experience in contemporary society.  You can check it out via the link below.  I hope you enjoy it and appreciate all feedback!  Thanks

 

Delaying Gratification Is The Most Powerful Tool You Can Adopt To Change Your Life.

When I was younger we ate Sunday dinner at my aunt’s house with the whole family. I have a vivid memory of one of these Sunday’s in which my mother, cousin, aunt, and myself were baking cookies for dessert. At seven years old, I was a mischievous troublemaker with a riotous sweet tooth, and extra eyes were on me as ingredients changed hands.

My older cousin, the most vigilant of the three, quickly became bored and moved on to other affairs. My mother and aunt would periodically yell, “Do not eat the dough! You have to wait” just for good measure. I would smile and nod, and dump some more chocolate chips into the mix.

It was a classic battle of wills in which they would eventually wear down and turn their backs, and no sooner would I take a mouthful of chocolate chip covered cookie dough right off of the mixing spoon.

I just could not wait for the cookies to bake; I had an overwhelming impulse that I had no control over.

In the mid 1960’s, thirty years prior to my cookie baking debacle, Walter Mischel, a Standford Psychologist conducted his own impulse control experiment with cookies. In Mischel’s experiment children were given a cookie and told that they could eat the cookie immediately, or wait 15 minutes and receive a second cookie.

The results of the experiment showed that children who were unable to wait the 15 minutes were at higher risk of obesity and addiction, while children who were able to wait generally did better later in life. The one’s who delayed gratification had higher SAT scores, better health, and higher incomes.

Impulse control is the single most effective tool we can implement to better our lives, because it is at the root of almost all of life’s major problem areas.

Many young people jump at the highest paying job they are offered right out of college or graduate school. We take jobs with fewer benefits and less time off in an area we don’t enjoy because it will pay more money and satisfy the immediate desire to make more money. We will rarely take a job we enjoy if it means less pay. In the short term the extra money feels good, but over the course of a year, sometimes less, people are burnt out and unfulfilled.

We do the same with love and expect immediate results. I have never been in a long-term relationship with someone I became intimate with after only a date or two. My experience has always been that relationships develop slowly over time, usually beginning as friendships.

Society today is fast paced and so instantly gratifying that it is damaging to human relationships and fulfillment. Want love? Swipe right on tinder and you can find a match today. Want to feel good? Post a selfie on Instagram and watch the “likes” stream in, boosting esteem with every notification received. There’s no need to wait for anything anymore and we are not happier as a result.

Mischel’s study left us another nugget of information on impulse control, and that was how the children actually controlled their impulses. The kids who held out did not torture themselves by looking at the cookie for fifteen minutes. Instead they distracted themselves while they waited. They sang, played, or did anything besides sit and stare at the cookie.

I think to the past of other impulsive decisions I have made and reflect on their pro’s and con’s. I do a quick analysis of the outcomes of those impulsive decisions. At best the decision made on impulse did not fulfill me like I thought it would, and at worst it created a mess in my life that I had to clean up later.

Hobbies are another tool I use to keep my mind off of whatever the new shiny thing in front of me is. Many times I have been faced with a problem that I perceive needs an immediate solution, but I’ll go for a run first, or do some writing. When I am finished, the immediate problem I perceived wasn’t really a problem at all and my first idea of a solution would’ve surely created a problem.

The old cliché tells us to “sleep on it” when faced with big decisions, and while it tends to be overlooked because it is a cliché, it became one because it is true.

Fear and Hysteria in the “Two Americas”

As a child there are few things worse than watching your parents argue. I didn’t mind much if they argued with someone else, because I was clear on what side I was on, but when they argued with each other I couldn’t stand it.

As a paralegal working in family law I see the results of years and years of arguments and built up resentment. The situation blows up and the parties split. The house, cars, pensions are divvied between the two and they go their separate ways. That is easy to do with two people, but the process doesn’t translate to sovereign nations.

That’s currently how I feel right now, and how I have felt since January 20th – like I’m watching my parent’s argue over who forgot to take out the trash and I just want to get out of there as fast I can because the conversation is clearly disintegrating.

Prior to this presidential race, when people I spoke with divulged their political leanings they would say something like “well I’m socially a democrat, but fiscally conservative” or “I’m somewhere in the middle.”

Unfortunately for America, those sentiments have evaporated. People have floated to the extreme ends of the ideological spectrum and unapologetically dismantle anyone who expresses ideas that are to the right or left of where they stand.

Unlike marriage, when this conversation escalates and disintegrates, we cannot divorce the other side of the country, split our stuff, and go our separate ways. There are not “two America’s” and never have been. There is one America with millions of different people who come from all walks of life and hold different beliefs. We compromise and work together to get by. It seems we have traded that idea in for the divide and conquer rhetoric that has softly but persistently been in our ear.

We are currently in a crisis of hysteria, partially fueled by the media, a partisan institution that rarely reports news objectively. Part of this hysteria is the belief that people who voted differently from us must be fundamentally flawed as human beings. They aren’t just fellow countrymen who have differing political opinions, but instead are racists, sexists, and homophobes – words that have grave meaning, but are thrown around carelessly with no awareness of their actual definition.

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for two years, spanning the entire presidential race, Trump’s inauguration, and his first weeks in office. Not once have I driven past a car with a Donald Trump bumper sticker on it. I have seen Hillary and Bernie bumpers stickers in every shape, size, color, and texture in every variety they are made, but not one Trump sticker. I think bumper stickers are tacky so I never thought much about it. But then the reason occurred to me – self-preservation. A city this big is sure to have its fair share of Trump supporters. But the lonely Trump supporter in Los Angeles doesn’t want his car keyed and windows smashed in.

I lean to the left politically, but I understand that person’s plight. I laugh at politically incorrect jokes under my breath, and keep my thoughts about my high taxes to myself for fear of the thought police jumping out of a palm tree to berate me.

The opposite can be said for the liberal outposts in red states and neither is right. The most attractive thing about America is freedom – freedom of speech, ideas, and the freedom to disagree with one another. We have strayed from that in a fit of hysteria.

The person I voted for on Election Day did not win. I am not thrilled with the president or the policies he has put forth, but believe that the people who did vote for him, did so based on reasons they felt were important or logical. That’s just the way it is in a free democratic country. Sometimes your guy wins, sometimes he doesn’t.

We can change our president every four years, our congressmen every two, but the us vs. them mindset is the drop of poison that can spoil the well permanently.

Technology & Young People: Catalysts for Future Change

Ray Kurzweil, a world renowned computer scientist and inventor from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said “We won’t experience 100 years of progress in the 21st century – it will be more like 20,000 years of progress (at today’s rate).”

This is because technology advances at an exponential rate. Statistics like that are dizzying to look at, but in the day to day process of our lives we become accustomed to more advanced technology without giving it much thought.

Recently I was sitting around solving the problems of the world with one of my writing mentors when he said “There is nothing my generation can teach you guys.” This confused me. He is an experienced writer who I look up too, much older than me, currently twenty-four. He’s far more seasoned than I am at conquering problems the world has thrown at him.

I asked for further explanation of what he meant, to which he replied “Everything we have to teach you, you can find yourself, and much faster. Matter of fact you guys could probably teach my generation a lot.”

This statement often goes un-appreciated by me. To think of how much information is currently available via a simple Google search is akin to guessing how many grains of sand make up a beach. It’s a different world and my generation was the first to become immersed in it. We were the first to grow up with the internet, social media, cell phones, and all that comes with those things. We saw how they evolved from their primitive forms to what they currently are and we learned how to master them every step of the way.

As a result my generation shoulders much of the responsibility for how the future will look. We have endless information at our fingertips that was never accessible before the internet era. After 12 years of two wars and a major financial meltdown, our skepticism rivals that of the 1960’s youth, with even more ways of obtaining information and boiling the truth out of it.

Those who have ill intentions for the power they wield have to go to greater lengths to keep an informed population pacified; and they are. But with the technology available organizing in opposition to those efforts is much easier. It was widely reported that social media played a huge role in the organization efforts of the Ferguson protests as well as the Occupy Wall Street, Black Lives Matter, and Dakota Access Pipeline movements.

Times are more dire now than ever. The current administration has made it clear they regard the Constitution merely as a suggestive piece of literature. Our rights are no longer God given, but invoked as spoken rhetoric. We are told to wave the flag proudly, but not to inquire on what the flag actually represents.

Organization, protest, and keeping the government rigorously accountable are necessary to our way of life. There is no better tool for this than technology, and the people who must lead this movement are the ones who know how to manipulate technology best – young people.

Technology has been a wonderful catalyst for allowing us to accomplish those goals so far. Since the current administration took office there have been endless cycles of protest. The women’s march, which was the largest single day of protest in history, the Dakota Access Pipeline marches, and marches against the Muslim ban are testaments to that. One of the many things those protests have in common is they were all organized through social media.

The internet has also allowed us to hear the voices of millions of people who would otherwise be unheard. If you polled the columnists of this website alone, you would find many of us are lawyers, teachers, mechanics – working class people. Few of us make a living off of writing alone – I know I sure don’t. If it wasn’t for the internet, most of us would have no platform to get our points of view out to the world, and we are merely a drop in the ocean if you take a look at the number of blogs and websites available on the internet.

There are, of course, disadvantages to having so much information available at all times. We are bombarded by so much content that the important information can get lost in the static. There is such a thing as fake news, although it is not as mainstream as many would like to believe, and it can make deciphering truth from fiction difficult. But we can all agree these are minor setbacks that pale in comparison to the overwhelming advantages technology provides us as social activists. I am unaware of any movements attempting to roll back technology to what it was pre-1995.

The advantages technology provides us to obtain information, organize, and oppose corruption and tyranny are unprecedented. It is the responsibility of all Americans to keep our government accountable and to unite and organize when their agenda strays from ours. This responsibility is especially important to young Americans, for we are the ones who will carry the values of America into the future.

Redefining The Path To Success

The skyline of New York City is visible from every hill in my hometown, and stands tall over us as an ever present entity. All of the lights, bridges, and skyscrapers – constructs of concrete and steel – blend as one into the symbol of opportunity. As a kid I would often stare off into the distance at the skyline and imagine one day I would be working in one of those buildings – maybe the top floor of the Chrysler building, or a corner office of a Wall Street icon.

Like many other millennials my age, a corner office on Wall Street embodied the epitome of success. We were told to go college then become professionals, hedge fund managers, and nine to five office people. Growing up I was surrounded by doctors and lawyers, so the natural instinct and subsequent conditioning was to pick either one, go make a bunch of money, and live happily ever somewhere in suburbia.

Success was a well laid out path trudged by those before. The blueprint for us, used repeatedly for generations, was laid at our feet. Achieving success was as easy as following that blueprint.

The problem however, is that the antiquated blueprint has become obsolete in a world that vaguely resembles itself from a generation ago. Our generation has broken the mold, and cast the success blueprint into a pile next to the Compact Disc and VCR.

We are children born of the late ‘80’s and early ‘90s, products of the dotcom and tech boom. Entire frontiers of new industry and revolutionary ways to make an income are right in front of us. Techies in Silicon Valley have replaced Charlie Sheen from Wall Street, and entrepreneur has became a word that means more than someone who is too lazy to get a real job. It is a viable way to earn a living, avoid tuition debt, and make a name for yourself.

Another profound change my generation is experiencing is soaring tuitions of college and graduate school. My father graduated from Rutgers in 1968 and paid $400 for a semester of college. I paid much more than that for just a semester’s worth of books. Want to go to college, then law school today? $300,000 is roughly the price tag, and unless you come from money it will be a debt you will be paying off for the rest of your life.

That all but guarantees I will have to slave away in an office somewhere for the next forty years just to pay off that debt and support myself. I was always a creative type who was never interested in the corporate world. I like the idea of working for myself and being my own boss, master of my own destiny. I like writing, music, and art. But nonetheless, the blueprint to success was laid out for me. It was explained and passed down like any other cultural tradition, and so, I tried to follow it.

Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, it just didn’t fit. I went to college, studied political science (I still question how much of a science it is), did well and graduated. I floundered on taking the LSATs because my heart was never in it in the first place. I worked a few internships, and hated every minute of the rigid structure, high stress, and corporate environment.

At twenty-two I decided to reject all of that and take the biggest risk of my life up until that point. While the blueprint for success changes, the American way of taking risks is timeless. I decided to follow my passion and become a writer. I endured the “that’s cute, you can write while you figure out what you want to do with your life” remarks at family functions and on bad dates. I often kept myself up at night wondering if I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

But I fell back on another truth as American as apple pie – perseverance. I started by getting one of my articles published in the Santa Monica Daily Press, a local newspaper. Then I got a weekly column for the Good Men Project. All the while I had been churning out short stories and poetry on my own time. “Just write, write, write” my mentor would tell me. That collection of short stories and poetry has turned into a finished book called Thoughts that will be published this February. I am currently working on the life story of Chris Luera, 3 time world champion fitness athlete, and have other book ideas in the works. I used to worry I was making the biggest mistake of my life, now I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with all the work I have on my plate.

Facebook and Microsoft weren’t built in corner offices of skyscrapers; they were built in garages and dorm rooms. Everything you need to be successful is at your fingertips. So to my frustrated millennial’s, who feel like square pegs in round holes, I say this: If doors aren’t opening for you, build your own damn door and walk through it. Find something you absolutely love to do, something you would gladly do for free, and go find a way to make money doing it. That’s the blueprint for freedom.

I was standing in a hospital room in New Jersey on November 17, 2011 at 8 P.M. Earlier that day I got the call from my mother. “It’s time and you need to get home right away.” My world came to a stop and the wind was taken out of my chest when I heard those words. After a minute I got my breath back, and quickly packed up my bag. I ran out of the building to my car. The four hour drive home was silent but for the torrential downpour outside, and the emotional freefall inside my head.

My father lost a three-month battle with necrotizing pancreatitis and I said goodbye to him for the final time. The following days and weeks were a blur, but a deep sadness coupled with an anger I had never felt before consumed me.

I had a fury and bitterness in me at God, and the world, for a situation I perceived to be unfair. This was my dad. The man taught me how to be a man. The memories played through my head like a film. All of my wrestling matches he was in the stands for. Every football game we attended together. Then all the memories we would never get to make. He would never see me graduate college, get married, or have a family. I felt robbed.

I was also angry with myself. I could’ve been a better son. I could’ve been there more for him while he was sick. I regretted every call of his I forwarded to voicemail, because I was just too “busy”. All of the memories I never made with him because I had better plans, pierced me with guilt and shame.

These wounds callused into a cold edge of personality. I had no healthy way to process the hurt I went through. My ego didn’t allow me to be vulnerable and ask for help. Instead, I expressed that pain as anger. I took it out on the people who were closest to me because I had to keep them at a distance. If they got too close, I would have to open up.

At some point the weight of these feelings becomes too great to bear and we find ourselves at a crossroads. Either deal with them or let them continue to corrode our relationships and life.

I had to find ways to process these feelings. I found someone I could talk to about them. I got honest and shared what I felt. Then I found healthy ways to process pain and anger. I began writing. A lot. I wrote short stories, poetry, and political articles. Through writing I can express myself succinctly and potently, especially through the medium of poetry.

the switch that’s flipped

to a sight of pure red

something in the brain ignites

a dynamite charge on the supply line bridge.

blankets of tension

consume me,

fight

or

flight

responses trigger

a trillion body cells

all fall into position.

dominoes, one by one,

preparing for war

like a trillion

roman legions.

all at once they release

and fire

50,000 volts

of electricity

through my body.

a dam holding back a lifetime

of pain, planned responses,

predictable outcomes

release once more,

and when choppy waters

finally yield a calm sea,

I again have lost.

all I have done

after rebuilding the dam

is added more water

til’ next time it breaks.

I was unable to be free or have deep meaningful connections because I was carrying the pain and anger of the past into my present. I became incredibly self-centered and egocentric. I felt justified in the hurtful manner I treated others as a result of my pain.

It was only through identification, introspection, and a conscious effort to act differently, that I was able to deal with anger in a healthy way.

The first step to solving any problem is identification. If I don’t know what the problem is, I don’t stand a chance at solving it. I had to be honest with myself and look behind the doors that I wanted to keep closed. The truth is usually found behind those doors. The path I took seeking that truth involved putting pen to paper and writing an emotional inventory. In that inventory I saw how my anger, guilt, and shame manifested itself in my relationships with others, and myself. I saw a clear picture of how I could’ve acted differently, and with clear sight of my wrongs, I made a list of people I owed an apology to.

After I cleared those cobwebs, I need to change. That change, for me, begins by adding a pause between my thoughts and actions. Instead of reacting impulsively I can respond thoughtfully. Or not respond at all. I’ve avoided more battles by keeping my mouth shut than I’ll ever be able to count. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with anger. Some people take a pause and others meditate. Transferring that anger into a constructive process like writing or exercise also works for me. The point is to find what works for you.

Like any other change, it takes practice. Some days are better than others. I feel like I make great strides in progress, then something will occur that makes me wonder if I’ve made any progress at all. But that is the nature of change itself and while I’ve come a long way, I still have a long way to go.

I can’t recall the exact moment my perspective started to change, but others recognized it in me long before I recognized it in myself. I was no longer angry with God or the world. I realized that this was not something that happened to me, but rather a stage in life’s journey I was going through. Relationships with friends and family improved dramatically as I tried to contribute more to them, than I took. Most importantly the relationship with myself was taken to a new level I didn’t even think was possible before. I became grateful for all that I have in my life. Pain is the launch pad for growth, and what I have found on the other side of pain, and anger, is peace.